Have I changed at all from when I wrote these posts 5 years or more ago? Is that a bad or good thing? Am I different? I still see so much of me on those old posts and it makes me a bit sad. Why do what I do?I feel like I am still stuck behind so many of the same obstacles. That can be frustrating. It is frustrating. Why is it so hard for me to open up? I am glad for these little burdens because I am afraid of what large ones might do to me. I want to spill out myself but for whatever reason I never trust anyone enough to do that. That makes it difficult to find relief, release.

i am tired of self loathing, lonliness, and all the inherent qualities to each. i am searching...
 
Can you show me dear, something I've not seen? Something infinitely interesting ~ Incubus ~

well kids, hope the read has been interesting for you all, but alas even the best things must come to an end. and such is the nature of my post today... as many of you know, i am going somewhere and i wont be back for awhile...some of my previous posts have alluded to this fact, and that reality is now come to pass. so, to all my friends i say, good luck and god bless; to all my enemies, i say the same. i hope i have had a postive effect on everyone, if not, it's cuz i am an ass. anywho, so long and thanks for all the fish...

Evanescence rocks my world harder then a 9.0 earthquake...they are officially the best band out there IMO...the concert i went to last night was the *BEST* concert i have ever been to, and they even surpassed my expectations...if you dont like Evanescence then i invite you to go eat shit with a side of roadkill...what a sendoff/bday present i gave myself! please pardon the obsession its in a good way, i promise! and no i dont stalk Amy Lee....(yet) muahahahahahaha....

well i seem to be starting to turn to poetry more and more as an outlet for my discontent...so heres another angst ridden poem..

Pushing away, you
turn in on yourself.
before my eyes, you
let the walls close in.
as i reach to help, you
fall away to what?

i try to see, and in seeing hope to believe.
that maybe there will be an end to your hurt.
but no, i see no end, no light at the tunnels exit.
just another rocky road set for you to travel,
strewn with obstacles and demons and what?
hopefully the light will shine on your face,
bathe you in its warmth and comfort.
and you will yet again smile that smile i knew and held so close.



some lyrics mirroring a little of how i am feeling tonight...

Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
To kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret I cry
I don't wanna lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me - yeah

Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me, oohhh
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

Forgive Me ~ Evanescence

well heres the poem i was debating writing...

A Friends only gift

if there is no one to hold your hand through the pain,
ill be there.
if theres no light and you are stuck in the dark alone,
ill be there.
if you are lost in life without a soul to share yourself,
ill be there.
if the toils and strains make you struggle in the torrent,
ill be there.
if the path you take leads you down trails unknown,
ill be there.
if you find yourself with your back up against the wall,
ill be there.
Rather than despair, ill be there;
because you were there for me.

well...what have i to say...not much really i guess...i feel like i am slip sliding into one of my down and out phases again, dont ask me why. but i feel it coming on like the stale moist air before a texas storm... kinda poetic, huh? maybe ill write a poem... i have been listening to Evanescence almost constantly, and the songs are shaping who i am more and more. i think i have finally found that ONE band that you love so much it hurts. it s so sad and poetic and it reaches my soul. i AM rather happy to be going to see them in LA on the 11th of feb, its my birthday present to myself, also a going away present of sorts. i wanna take this chance to thank some people...my friends new and old, lost and now found. i dont think i have any unresolved issues with anyone i consider a friend and thats such a freeing feeling. i made several new friends over break and rediscovered old ones, so i am pretty happy about all that. this is about to turn somewhat morbid, but i feel the sudden need to express some darker feelings. i just want everyone to know, that you have all played a part in my life and in my growth as a person, be it good or bad, and i thank you. My friends are my rock, my core, and everything i do, i do for my friends. this is no plea for recognition, nor is it some self promoting bs. i just want yall to know what yall mean to me though i feel i lack the words to express it all. i am going to a difficult place and there is that chance that i may not come back, but i want everyone to know that they are appreciated by me in ways inexplicable. i hope i have been everything to you that you have been to me. i also hope that i have helped you in some positive way in your lives, thats what i live for. so take from this what you will and know where my heart lies and that things unsaid are words wasted forever....

well kids i think i have finally come outta my shell, and man its great! in what way do you ask? well, when it comes to the ladies of course, my single most prolific source of angst. i feel like i am coming into my own. but at the same time i feel more confused than ever about other things. sometimes when you are drunk you can be more truthful about things to your self than you normally are, but somethings end up being opposite. have i had drunk truths, or fabrications my drunk mind wants me to believe? i know i am being extremely vague but i dont feel like being more specific than that. does this make sense to anyone? i was reading another type of online journal where comments can be made about the posts that have been written...i am intrigued but i think i will stick with bloggy, cuz i try not to change horses in midstream. before i said screw all of you and your bitching, but i decided that whatever comments you would like to make, if anyone even still reads this, that you can im me...dare i post my screenname? sure, why not, its vanhecht2001 on aim...more to come later today...muahahahaha