well i am feeling all bloggy today, though i have felt that way alot since my last post this is the first time i got off my lazy ass. i was just pondering why i do the things i do. how often is the forethought i give something based upon emotion, or just perceived emotion? this said because i question my ability to actually "act" on what i "feel". i lie to myself all the time, and it really makes me wonder what the fuck is going on in my head. i know i am lying but i am not always sure how or what speciafically i am lying about. it is frustrating mainly due to the fact i fell like i am at a very crucial point in my life right now, and i am basing decisions on what i think are true emotions. gosh i hope so. cuz if not i am well on my way to making my life a clusterfuck. say i am right, but the feedback i am getting is not copacetic with what i thought i was doing. the question to next ask is, am i not right or am i just a victim of circumstances beyond my control. i feel so alone and unable to open up. ill be back later...

short stubby update:
I am going back across the pond to the big show next year. if you dont understand, the people who matter can contact me...

try it all you children of the 80's....1 got a 61

oddly enough, i feel compelled to write a poem...

like a fly on the wall as the world slides past,
in a crowded room with no one around,
an unnoticed marble in a full glass jar,
that intangible feeling that just seems to last.

all alone with many people milling about,
walking right on by with not a sense of care,
the square wheel that seems to get left behind,
challenged to stop myself from wanting to shout.

interloping among a group of those forged together,
things just dont fit the way they should,
walking aimlessly around not a soul to share,
despite the openess the feeling is smothered.

so the choice is to drift like an isolated leaf,
trapped in a current and dragged along despite
the search for the other perfect leaf fruitless
fading into the woodwork foregone, forgotten...

tell me what you think if you feel so inclined...

Its one of those reflecting nights again, out cruzin in the cali rain(no joke) just listenin to blue october and pondering some things. i think i came to a few basic conclusions. one, that i am very appreciative of all that i have been blessed with, my family, my friends, my health, my good looks ::snicker:: i go about taking most of these for granted every day and i am sure there are many people without one, or ANY of these things. basically the whole brat mentality annoys me. second, since God has obviously seen fit to guide me where he will, i think part of this journey is that i should be there to shoulder the burden whenever necessary so that i may help my friends in their times of trouble. no real original or grand vision mind you, just the hope that in helping i will be humbled and hopefully become more selfless than my selfish self. that was a mouthful. i had a drunken epiphany one time that i didnt think i was worthy of gods forgiveness and to even consider working towards it was guiltful. obviously this is absurd. i just think that one of the premises of existence is that we exist to help each other out through this journey. that can obviously be taken any way you wish but i definitely mean it in a positive and giving way. i canyt really say what brought this up, besides maybe my thoughts of loneliness. my next statement would be how i must get past any bad times i am having to follow what i see as one, if not the most important part of life, which is selflessly helping others. i am no saint and i am far from the person i could be, but what matters is the effort. notice i keep saying SELFLESS. this is because what you do should nt be done in order to be recognized, rather because it is what i consider to be a basic human duty too often neglected. we do too much for our own ends. i am of the mindset that as we succeed in helping others with their toils, we too are helped with ours without even looking for/realizing it. whew. i dont think i can elaborate anymore, at the risk of extending an already extensive paragraph explaining my little idea. i am sure i am not the first to examine this issue then comment upon it, but this comes from my own head. thats all i got for you for know bloggy blog blog....lata alligata

ok ok i have been lazy for awhile but tonight i'll write some at the behest of a devil woman:)...dealt with something not so cool in the last 2 weeks or so, and that is the murder of a marine that i went to war with. he had survived iraq after recieving a purple heart, and had just become a US citizen, and in addition was about to get out of the marine corps and start college. he went through war and fought in this countries armed forces only to be shot by some fucking no nuts son of a bitch. he had his wake on sunday and i had the honor of attending in my blues and doing an hourly flag change for the flag that was displayed on his casket, i also had the high honor of doing the rifle salute at his funeral. it was extremely intense and by the time we had finished and taps was being played, my doy was shuddering and tears were running down my face. we lost a part of us when we lost him so when he was lowered into his resting place, we walked by and dropped in our white gloves to show our sense of loss. one of the bitter truths about life i guess is that the ones we dont expect to leave us can leave at anytime. Julian is another example. but i know that both of them are with god now. anyways, thats the main thing that had been going on with me lately. i had a really ineteresting convo with someone whos relationship to me seems like one of the oddest stories of late. who coulda thunk. but the best part is being able to discuss things that once caused me so much pain hurt anger agression, with total amicability. i think i used that word right. also found out that two of my best buds are gonna come out to cali for spring break, and we will all be 21 in one way or another. takes the burn off of a month of training starrting the DAY i turn 21. lets call it deferred gratification so that it looks like its my choice.... my friends who read this i want you to know that i love you very much and am not abashed to say so. i want you to know that i would HATE life without you and you all mean so damn much to me...thats from my reflections on mortality....any who i am gonna go now my bloggy, have a good nights sleep all

you know whats great? its when someone plays like they are your friend, and tells you stuff like "we voted on you and you are cool to hang out with us"... what kinda bullshit is that? or wow i am accepted...but then they dont even have the balls to tell me where a supposed mutal friends b day party is because they are afraid i might try to invite myself or show up. screw that bullshit! i dont need that kinda friend. i dunno maybe things will magically changed and i had hope for this one, but alas, it has turned into a case of someone inflated with his own ego. alas. one more of the bullshit things that seem to be attaching themselves to me lately. another thing creepin up on me, is the Marine Corps ball...and my current datelessness. i dont HAVE to have a date, but itd be nice. i dunno i cant seem to get my game on. i find it really hard to talk to girls i dont know and have no connection to me, ie from friends and what not. so i am somewhat limited by my own self imposition. i dunno if that is even a word. but my pimpin skills are at zero on the pimpin meter. i dont wanna be a pimp, i just want friends out here i can go chill with, and a girlfriend or someone to date. its southern cali, there are lots of beautiful girls everywhere, WHATS STOPPIN ME? i can be witty, somewhat charming and i can talk to girls but i just dont have the confidence to just up and do it. i always tell myself i dont know what to say, but i figure if i just had more confidence or a bigger set of balls the words would probably come to me. what to do with myself i dont know. i seem to be at an impasse within my self. well, that is somethin...what is it they say? knowing you have a problem is the first step to fixing it...we'll see about that one. well i might add more later i dunno....stay posted ..................................well heres a news flash, my friend asked me if i was gonna go on this outing...maybe i jumped but am not sure cuz, like i said, he wouldnt tell me at first but dammit why cant people be straight forward. maybe i just dont understand him yet. anyways, i guess all is good now. later blog

today has been tame, and not too much has really rattled around in my skulll. guess its one of those good days, bad days things. i have been putting a good bit of money into my truck lately...wonder if its to compensate for something? yet anotther thought to explore once i really hit the right train of thought to figure it out. i would like to thank the person who encouraged me to write this and then make it public as part of my little process of mind rebuild. i never really saw myself as the diary/writer type but it has always seemed to be that i am the most honest and complete when i can put my thoughts down on paper...narrows my thinking a bit i guess. anywho no real brain busters today, just kinda mediocre which is what i like most of the time. will be going to the field for two days, so will miss a day of posting. might help me get a good bit of thinking done. it'll be nice to be in the field cuz i am semi in charge and i dont have to stay up for the random hour of firewatch. what can i say but SCORE! it is hard enough to sleep out there though it can be nice away from civilization(albeit only a mile or two). well thats all i got. beric out.

well folks it seems like there are tons of things swimming around in my head lately, and by lately i mean for the past 2 yrs. i am gonna try and guide things out in order to better make sense of them. just a quick little note to yall: i dont really care what yalll think of all this as far as entertainment goes, but if you think you have something useful or constructive to add feel free to email me or what ever aside from that i dont wanna hear your shit, to be frank. so that being said i hope you may take something away from this blog, but if not, oh well. i have been listening to Evanescence alot lately, almost constantly as it appeals to me more and more not only for its dark lyrics, but for the voice that posseses so much beauty. i can sit and be mesmerized by the lead singer, amy lee's voice. she also has been blessed as being very physically beautiful as well. her voice shakes me to my very base. i feel her sincerity with every word she sings. maybe the unrequited love she sings of is a mirror of my own life in that respect right now. anyway she is a voice that appeals to me very strongly, as well as the words she sings. i think my main problem right now is that i feel lonely and isolated and with out companionship out here in California. by companionship i mean the female variety. i havent had any real girlfriend or anything of that nature for over two years, so it has been kinda hard for me. i have done ok with out one i guess but man do i miss all the things that having someone you could just look in thier eyes and be happy, or get a hug and a kiss. someone to hold. but instead i live in a perpetual sausage fest, without sight of female for 5 days a week unless i leave base. kind of a sucky situation to say the least. well i am gonna quit this post for now, gotta save some for another day. gnight blog, sleep well.

well this is my first post on this blog thingy, guess i am doing this in response to the last night when i was feeling down and went through it alone...no one to talk to. this may become my outlet for my occasional dark feelings. hopefully it will provide stark description of my heads contents and jumblings. if i spill it out onto this proverbial dissection table, i will be able to determine more about myself than i have EVER attempted. so here goes, bon voyage folks enjoy the journey into the depths and shallows of my noggin if you feel so inclined.